Happy First Birthday Hope

When a child is born, it is the mother's instinct to protect the baby.  

When a child dies, it is the mother's instinct to protect the memory. 

Unknown

Dear Hope,

It was your birthday yesterday.  I was hoping to write your birthday letter then but things didn't turn out as I wanted them to and it was too hard.  At the end of the day I had a moment and I was at the store trying to pick out your birthday cake and it was so hard.  Would you like chocolate or vanilla? Should I get a big cake or a small cake? Would I have made you a cake?  I picked up some small little cupcakes with confetti for you and took them home to share with Henry and Hannah.  As I was driving home I was so sad because the day had not gone anything like I had hoped.  The year before it wasn't like I hoped and I realized that your birthdays will never be what I hope because you're not here with us celebrating.  I'm missing out on your smiles and smooshing cake between your fingers.  I missing out on your crawling and walking and all of your firsts.  You're mammas and daddas and coos. There are days when I think about you and what our lives would look like if you were here with us.  I know the kids would love having another friend to play with.  Did you know Hannah writes your name all over our dirty cars?  We wash the cars and your name appears back on them.  It secretly makes me really happy to know that I'm not the only that thinks of you. 

I bought your flowers to go by your tree.  This week your tree bloomed and then yesterday the flowers were gone.  It broke my heart a little bit.  The flowers were beautiful though, and the tree is strong and growing.  I was worried we might lose it since the winter didn't bring much snow but it's done wonderful.  Your crocus's came up in the spring and they were bright and beautiful.  They were purple and white and were the first things to bloom at the beginning of the year.  The dahlia's I bought are still in a pot on the front porch because they are so big I'm not sure how to plant them.  They are big and pink and beautiful.   Sam planted a flower for you to last year and it bloomed on your birthday as well.  The roses bloomed for you today as well.  

Yesterday I was feeling pretty sad because it was hard to know everyone had forgotten about your birthday.  I didn't forget you.  You were on my mind all day.  You are on my mind most days.  I think you were on God's mind too because he made the most beautiful sunset.  I sat by your tree and admired it until the light had gone.  Sam helped to point out that there are beautiful tender mercies that God sends and in some way I think you are helping Him with those.  

I love you my baby girl.  You are always in my heart.  Happy 1st birthday!  Hopefully in heaven we can celebrate all those birthdays I'm missing with you down here on earth.  

Love,

Momma