Day 55 of 100 Days of Grief and Hope

"An apple a day will keep anyone away, if thrown hard enough."

-Unknown

Today has been nice.  The kids haven't had school and we've all kind of just been chilling.  We've played legos, we did piano lessons, we read and played games.  I love days like these.  It started out a bit crazy.  Henry woke up at like 5 am and then I had a doctors appointment followed by a dentist appointment at 10:30am.  I went to the doctors appointment and realized I should probably call and cancel the dentist appointment because I'm still not able to breath out of my nose.  My dentist appointment was to get three fillings done (turns out acid from throwing up destroys your teeth).  

I canceled the dentist appointment and talked with the doctor about my concerns of having hypothyroidism, anemia, and possibly having a sinus infection.  I was concerned about the hypothyroidism because when I was pregnant he noticed that my levels were really low, which he said can be normal in pregnancy but we should check them again a few weeks later.  I never checked them and I've been really tired and really cold and those were both signs of having hypothyroidism.  

I also had him check my iron levels because I've been craving ice really bad.  I'm usually anemic with my pregnancies and that was always my red flag.  I'd start craving ice and if I didn't do anything about it I'd start craving other weird things.  When I was pregnant with Hannah I started craving pencil erasers.  I know it sounds nutso but they sounded delicious.  Turns out I was really anemic :).  

I also had him check to see if I had a sinus infection because I'm still struggling with this cold and my sinus's have been killing me.  Anyway, he prescribed me some antibiotics for the sinus infection and then had my blood taken and told me he'd get back to me with the results in the next couple of days.  I just checked my health account because I was trying to get a record of Hannah's immunizations for her kindergarten enrollment info and I saw that my labs had come in.

I looked at my labs and my thyroid levels were low but not terrible but my iron levels..wow.  Normals levels are between 12-200 something or others and my iron level was less than 1.  So yeah, I'm anemic. And my hemoglobin levels were low too.  I went and did some hunting on google and it said some of the symptoms of are extreme fatigue, cold hands and feet, sore muscles, strange cravings, increased infections, pale skin, brittle nails, headaches, dizziness, etc.  I have all of these!  Yay for figuring out what is causing problems.  

Now I'll probably just have to take an iron supplement which isn't my favorite but hopefully I'll be able to start getting things done again and not have to nap most days.  I honestly thought it was from my cold and possibly hypothyroidism but it turns out to all be because I'm anemic.

As I've been thinking about it I wonder if my body is still struggling from recovering from everything I've gone through.  I lost a lot of blood from my D&C.  The doctor told Nick that I lost more than he had hoped.  I think he said I lost 7 pints of blood which was close to 2 quarts.  Nick said that the doctor said they were almost to the point where they needed to start giving me blood.  Anyway the couple of weeks after were really rough.  I remember I couldn't stand up without feeling faint and moving around really exhausted me.  It was really hard on my body.

I partly wonder if between that and all my body went through while being pregnant is contributing to my bodies inability to catch up and increase iron.  I guess it's just interesting to me that even my physical body is still working on being okay after losing my baby.  That and I'm still dealing with my teeth because of all the acid that was constantly in my mouth.  I remember that with Henry and Hannah.  After pregnancy I had to go to the dentist and get 2-5 cavities filled because of all the damage the acid had done to my teeth during the first part of my pregnancy.  

I dunno, I guess I just feel validated that it's okay that I'm still struggling with the loss of Hope physically and emotionally.  It's still because I don't know why I need validation about it but it feels nice.  

Tonights post is about ignoring the hurtful advice that you get.  I think some people just don't realize the things they say and how it comes across sometimes.  That and I know that when I was hurt by what people said it was because I was really hurting and really sensitive to anything.  Even now though it's hard when people say things that they don't really think about.

A lot of times I tell people about what I've gone through and they say, "oh it will be better once you get pregnant again."  It's hard because I want to say, no, having another child doesn't take away from the loss of the last three and also I can't get pregnant again.  We are done.  But I know those people don't think about it that way.  They are just trying to comfort you.

Another one that was really hard to hear was a friend saying that she thought I could handle something because I was stronger than I thought.  At the time being strong meant making it out of bed.  Being strong meant having the will to get to the next day.  But I'm sure in her mind saying I was strong enough to handle something was meant as a compliment.  To me it felt like someone adding another load onto an already heavy load.  

There are lots of things that are hard to hear but I feel like this experience has taught me that people don't say things to hurt you.  At least the people I have around me I know are always trying to help.  But sometimes the things they say hurt and you have to just remind yourself that it wasn't meant to hurt your feelings.  It was meant to help.  There are literal phrases that I have to say in my head when something like that happens such as, "that person is trying to help in the best way they know how to".  I say that quite frequently to remind myself that peoples motives are usually good and kind.  

In reality it's made me realize that I'm sure there have been times where I have been insensitive or said the wrong thing.  I'm sure there are people that I have hurt and now I feel like I'm more aware of what I tell people when they are hurting or struggling.  I may still say the wrong thing but I try to be more sensitive of what I say and try to think of how it will sound coming from myself.  I'm not sure if that makes sense.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm slower to speak when someone tells you their story and needs comfort.  I don't understand most of what others have gone through.  I mean do you really ever completely understand what someone feels like?  Probably not because you aren't in their head and haven't walked in their shoes.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hope that because of this experience I try to be more kind.  I try to be more loving.  I try to respond in what I hope Christ would do.  I know I fail but then it makes me feel more forgiving of those that hurt me.