Day 44 of 100 Days of Grief and Hope

"Remember that a successful marriage depends on two things: 1) finding the right person and 2) being the right person."

-Author Unknown

I haven't blogged in a couple days for a few reasons.  The first is we went to St. George and I forgot to bring my book along with the prompts.  The other is I've been conflicted on whether I should keep sharing these blogs.  I received some feedback that maybe these weren't good for me to do and it caught me off guard.  It made me question myself.  Were these actually helping me?  Is this helpful or am I sharing too much?  That and it was pretty hard to hear.  It felt pretty personal since I've put everything out there.  

I have learned though from not blogging that these are really beneficial to me.  The last couple days it felt like things would remind me of my babies or what had happened and  didn't react very well to them.  It seemed to hurt more than it has in the past and I found myself wanting to react in unhealthy ways.  I think it really showed me that by writing these each day it gives me a healthy way to kind of release the pain and the grief that isn't harmful to me or my relationships.   

I feel like going through these experiences it has allowed me to see others in a way that I couldn't have before.  I feel like I'm able to be more sensitive to their pain and struggles.  I hate to say it but I think I was pretty selfish before, I'm sure I'm still kind of selfish but I find myself looking outward more.  How can I help someone today?  What can I do to make their day a little easier because I remember all the people that did it for me.  

Anyway, today's blog is about giving your relationship some attention.  It talks about how each person in a relationship grieves differently.  I feel grateful that I feel like I know Nick well enough that even though he doesn't share often with me about how he's feeling the few words he does say gives me a lot of insight.  I on the hand talk all the time.  I feel like it helps me to talk about everything and what I'm feeling.  

I think men too don't internalize it as much as women do.  I think it's hard for them to connect to it because there wasn't a baby they saw.  It wasn't their bodies.  I think women are both really lucky and also get the most grief for that reason.  Have a baby is amazing.  Feeling them move and the anticipation that comes with.  You feel connected to that baby right when you find out your pregnant because it's your body.  Men don't really get that.  Everyone I've talked to has told me that they don't really connect until after the baby has been born.  I'm sure that's not the same for everyone but it seems like that's what I've heard most.  

In the beginning of this chapter they talk about how divorce rates are higher after parents lose a child.  I never understood how that was possible but I'm realizing it probably depends on the relationship they had before they lost that child.  I've been blessed that I believe this experience has brought Nick and I closer.  It has pushed Nick to talk more and me to talk less.  I usually am the strong/stubborn one who makes things happen and during this our roles flipped.  Nick had to be the strong one to help carry us both.  I really has increased my love for him to see all that he did and continues to do.  

Even this weekend as we were driving out of Zion National Park I was talking to him about how upset I was that we had lost our baby.  He talked with me and offered his perspective on how he thought I was doing so much better than before.  He told me he had seen me in a really dark spot and the difference he sees now is huge.  And then he held my hand the rest of way.  His opening up and validating my feelings reminded me how lucky I was to have him by my side.  

But as you know it's not easy.  It's been hard for me to have him set his foot down about getting pregnant.  And I think if I let myself I could be really angry about it but I also know that he is doing it because he loves me.  

It was a good reminder though for me to make sure I'm spending time with just Nick and I.  We don't really ever go on dates and I'm not always the best about putting things aside to spend time with just us.  I do feel like that is something I'm reminded to do and be better at.  Spending time with and expressing my love for my husband.  He's such a great man who has helped me get through this and still grieves in his own way.