Day 43 of 100 Days of Grief and Hope

"March on.  Do not tarry.  To go forward is to move forward perfection.  March on, and fear not the thorns, or the sharp stones on life's path."

-Kahlil Gibran

I believe today's post is going to be short.  Today has been kind of a meh day.  I feel like I'm removed from myself today.  It's hard to describe the feeling.  While studying and getting things done today I feel like it wasn't really me doing the things.  Just kind of an out of body day.  It's been odd.  

Today's chapter is about moving toward your grief and not away from it.  I've struggled with this a bit.  I always question if I've actually allowed myself to grieve or if I just avoid it.  It's hard because you don't want to feel the pain and when you do, your instinct is to move away from it.  Even if I know logically that I need to sit with it and feel it, I find myself stopping myself from crying because right at that point I can't cry.  I'm too busy with x, y, or z.  

In my book it even says "be suspicious if you find yourself thinking that you or others are 'doing well' since your miscarriage.  Sometimes doing well means you are not allowing yourself to feel your grief and you are avoiding, denying, or minimizing the normal and necessary pain that follows significant loss."  This thought caught me off guard.  I have literally been telling people that I'm doing well.  Those are the exact words.  

How do you know if you're dealing with the grief?  I wonder if maybe I need to spend a little bit of time in it soon.  Maybe go back and read the initial blog posts or sit with my box of Hope.  I could also open the files of her ultrasound that I still haven't looked at.  Is that healthy though?  Where is that line of self harming/working and healing through the emotions?

I do feel the need to get back to taking time each day to think of her.  I feel like most days when I do think of her it's when something triggers a memory and usually then it's a negative experience.  I want to spend time with her in a positive way.  I want to sit and make jewelry that reminds me of her.  I want to sit and look at beautiful flowers that I want to plant to remind me of her.  I want to find healthy ways to spend time with her.  

Right now it feels a little like I'm getting back into the busy every day busy-ness and not being intentional about my time.  I fill my day with menial tasks.  Maybe it's time to take a step back again and say it's okay to do your jewelry for an hour today.  Or to write thank you notes to others that helped me when I was so sick with her.  

Today's prompt is this: Take note of all the people in your life who love you and were also excited about your pregnancy.  Pick one or two of them to contact today, and talk about how you are feeling today about your miscarriage.  Allow them to share their thoughts and feelings too.

I'm going to try this today.  I'm not sure who I'll contact yet but it might be nice to have others speak of her.  Tell me how they feel about it.  I think I've been so wrapped up in my own feelings that I don't recognize that others had feelings about it too.  I wish I could get my kids to open up about it.  I know they are just children but I feel like sometimes kids can offer the best advice or say the most meaningful things.  Maybe that's asking too much of them.  But today I will make an effort to talk to others about my miscarriage.