Day 38 of 100 Days of Grief and Hope

"He that conceals his grief finds no remedy for it."

-Turkish proverb

I was listening to a talk today and a particular phrase stuck out.  The speaker said, "Your struggles do not define you but they can refine you.  Because of a ‘thorn in the flesh,’ you may have the ability to feel more compassion toward others.  As guided by the Holy Ghost, share your story in order to succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees."

I've felt that as I've gone through these difficult times I've never felt more compassion for others than now.  It feels like because I've been through hard things I'm able to see others burdens more clearly.  I'm more aware of the difficulties that before I would have overlooked.  I really believe that everyone has hard things they are going through and we are here to lift each other up.

I feel like because I have been blessed with so much during my miscarriages I should be looking outward to uplift others.  I feel like my burden isn't so heavy and if I can help carry someone else's heavy load I want to.  Someone else gave me a card that quoted Elisabeth Kubler Ross.  It said, "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.  These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.  Beautiful people do not just happen."

I loved that quote because it helps me find the good in the difficult.  If I can help others because of the pain and suffering I went through it seems easier to handle.  I remember people would tell me that because I went through this I would be able to help others.  At the time I wanted to scream at them that I couldn't help anyone and I didn't want to go through this to help someone else.  In the initial pain and grief the thought that you have to lose your baby so you can help others feels pretty terrible.  But now I feel like I want to share my difficulties and my story because it helps me remember Hope and if I can help others its a way of honoring her.  

In that same talk as above she states, "During His mortal ministry, Jesus Christ healed the sick and afflicted, but each person had to exercise faith in Him and act to receive His healing.  Some walked for long distances, others extended their hand to touch His garment, and others had to be carried to Him in order to be healed."  I know there were many times when people carried me to Him because I couldn't make that journey.  Because of that I strive to be that person for others because I know what it has meant for me.  

Today's chapter talks about wearing a symbol of mourning.  All through history people have done things to signify mourning.  In the past people used to wear black as a way of saying, "I'm in mourning please offer your condolences."  We don't do that anymore and it makes me a little sad.  I feel like our culture doesn't recognize grief or mourning.  Anyway, this chapter talks about finding a way to wear something that signifies mourning.

Shortly after my miscarriage I had a desire to create something I could wear that would keep Hope close to me.  I've created jewelry with Hope's name on it but I've given it to others.  But I love seeing them wear it.  It makes me so happy that in some way others think of my Hope.  I am still trying to create something for myself that fits the symbol of Hope in the way that I want.  

Others have given me jewelry that I have loved.  I had a friend give me a necklace with angel wings.  I love how small it is and I love that it is a necklace that stays close to my heart.  I also loved that she said that she was given it with the direction that it may find a different home as she found someone that may need it.  She gave me the same instruction and I look forward to giving it to someone else that may find comfort in it as I did.  

I have another friend that gave me a necklace with Hope's name stamped in it.  It meant so much to me and it was so unexpected.  When I opened it tears streamed down my face.  I have such good people in my life that are so willing to help me grieve and help me remember Hope.  

For me I'm not sure I need something anymore that lets people know I'm mourning.  It's more of a symbol that Hope is still with me.  I know she is continuing her mission on the other side.  I know she is thinking of me as I think of her.  I love that idea of having her close to my heart.