Day 29 of 100 Days of Grief

"It was one of those times you feel a sense of loss, even though you didn't have something in the first place.  I guess that's what disappointment is - a sense of loss for something you never had."

-Deb Caletti

Today has been a good day.  I never thought I would get to that point where I could say my day was good.  I remember a time where I felt like there was no hope of good days ahead.  But today was a very good day.  Nick went through the temple and I got to spend our morning together with family and close friends.  It was better than good.  It was joyful and huge waves of gratitude filled my soul as I got to be at the temple with my husband.  I'm hoping that as I prepare for next Saturday it will be even better.  

As I went through today it hit me again how truly blessed I am to be surrounded by such good people.  It seems like everyday I get new messages or sweet gifts from friends and family that remind me that I am so loved.  I really do have angels that lift me up here and on the other side.  I've been trying to look for ways God is in my life and my friends and family make it so easy to see.  

I'm going to jump right into tonights prompt since last night I didn't write and tonight I'm running on fumes.  It talks about disappointment and finding ways to express it.  I think disappointment has been one of the hardest things to deal with.  It's not just that our baby died, it's that the future we wanted died.  It's all the things you were looking forward to.  

Each miscarriage has been different.  The first finding out I was pregnant while knowing I was losing the baby at the same time was a lot to take it.  I was scared and surprised and worried that I had a miscarriage but I told myself that it was normal because it was pretty common for women to lose pregnancies without them even knowing it.  Most women just think it's a late period or spotting like I did.  

The second was harder.  I had a positive pregnancy test and I thought the last miscarriage was a fluke.  Just a random thing that happened.  Yes, it made me sad but it didn't mean anything as far as our future for having kids.  The second I was so excited because it was happening and I started thinking all things babies.  But a week later I lost that one too.  And the disappointment was there.  The fear was there now.  Something was wrong with me.

We went and did all the fertility tests because I was desperate to not have to experience that again.  To have those hopes for the future pulled away again.  I was expecting to have them tell us everything was fine and those really were just two flukes but they didn't say that.  And the disappointment showed up again.  Having a baby wasn't going to be easy like it was with Henry and Hannah.  It was going to be costly and nothing was guaranteed.  The future wasn't looking like I wanted it to.  

Nick's sperm wasn't the right shape.  I guess they are supposed to have pointy heads to break into the egg.  Most of his were round or even flat.  Then when they were doing tests for me the found I wasn't releasing many mature eggs and I had endometriosis in my ovary which.  They put me on clomid and I thought for sure that would help.  It didn't and they told me that our odds were below 1% of getting pregnant on our own.  They said that it was possible to do an insemination where essentially they take nicks sperm and put in a centrifuge and it makes this little pellet of only the strongest and best sperm.  And then they put it in my uterus with me hopefully having released a bunch of eggs because of the clomid I was on.  But each time we would do it, it would cost $1000.  The chance of getting pregnant with all of that was 20%.  

Nick felt that we had two beautiful children already and that we should be content with the two.  I just couldn't be.  I have always wanted more children.  Nick and I use to joke because I'd say I'd want another child and he would say that I was trying to kill him but he'd agree to having more kids and then I'd say if we have one more, what's a couple more after that.  Or, because I'm so sick with pregnancies it would be amazing if I could have twins.  I always had that hope of more kids.  I never thought that my body wouldn't allow that.  

I think what I'm trying to say is that the disappointment comes for each time getting my hopes up for the future that I wanted.  Filled with babies and children and kids driving me crazy.  And now the disappointment is knowing that it won't be able to have that last baby and know it's my last baby and be able to appreciate all those things before that were stressful.  I know that sounds silly but with Henry as my first, he was a pretty hard baby.  He had acid reflux all the time and cried a lot.  After he got about one years old it got lots easier and he was the best little kid.  

Then I had Hannah and I had a small Henry running around so I was trying to juggle two kids under two.  I was delighted when she would put herself to sleep and she took a bottle so I could get out of the house.  But if I had known Hannah was going to be my last, I would have rocked her to sleep and held her while she slept more often.  I would have savored those moments breast feeding.  I would have enjoyed the sweet smiles in the middle of the night more.  Because they would be my last.  And there lies the disappointment. 

The disappointment is that I didn't appreciate the first two as much as I wished having known they were going to be my only two.  There is disappointment in looking ahead and knowing that there won't be babies.  There is disappoint with each of my miscarriages because I had hope that eventually I'd be holding those sweet babies in my arms.  

Today's prompt is:  If you feel disappointment over the miscarriage, talk to your partner about it.  Describe the hopes and dreams you had for this baby in detail.  This will help both you and your partner understand what you feel you have lost for the future.  

Nick and I talked about this on the way home today.  That it made me so sad to not have that future that I wanted but eventually I would get to the point to where I was okay with a different future.  I had gotten myself there before I lost Hope.  I was determined to enjoy the moments I had with the kids I have here with me.  Every moment became more precious.  

My kids are growing up and in a way I feel like I'm missing it because I'm so focused on this next baby and not being able to have the future I want.  I feel like with all of these loses it's reminding me that each moment with Henry and Hannah is special.  They are my lasts.  I think eventually I'll get to the point where the disappointment for the future isn't so hard.  I think I will be able to focus on the here and now better but I think it's going to take time.  It's going to take time as I'm still mourning the loss of my babies.