Day 20 of 100 Days of Grief

"I slide to my knees and say, 'Please let this be over.' Then I'm not ready for it to be over."

-Andre Agassi

This quote really resonates with me today.  I feel like I'm so tired of the 'hardness' of life right now but at the same time I feel like I cling to it.  If I don't then it means that I move on from my loss and I don't want to do that.  I want to bring her with me in the future but lose the pain of her loss.  I've been thinking about if there is something I can do that will bring her with me in the future without bringing a lot of pain with it.  

Did you know that I would have been 20 weeks this week?  I would have been half way there.  I would have had my ultrasound to find out if she were a girl or a boy.  I'm still sure she would have been a girl.  I would have probably started feeling her move too.  I loved feeling my babies move.  It was the strangest feeling in the world but it was wonderful.  It's hard for me to think that I won't get to feel that again.  It makes me so sad.  So completely heartbroken.  I wanted more babies.  

Tonights prompt is talking about how if you were ambivalent about your pregnancy that your grief will be more complicated.  I have to be honest and say that I didn't know what ambivalent meant.  It means having mixed or contradictory feelings about something.  I hate to say that I did.  I wanted this baby so much but I had found peace in having my two children and then when I found out I was pregnant it was hard not to think about all the things I would have to stop doing or give up again as I became a mom to another baby.  

Isn't that silly?  I think I was more scared than anything when I first found out.  Scared that I forgot how to take care of a baby.  Scared to learn how to nurse again.  Scared of the lack of sleep.  Scared of all of it really.  But I was so excited too.  So excited for the little baby giggles.  Excited to rock my baby to sleep.  Excited to snuggle with my baby.  Excited to see her first smiles.  

I wish I could go back and just be excited.  Remove the fear.  Maybe if I didn't have those doubts she would have gotten to stay with me.  I know there is a purpose why she isn't here with me but all those what if's still make me wonder.  Is there anything I could have done to convince God that I needed her more?  I wanted her with me.  I know that is selfish but I want her.  I know I should be more accepting of God's will and what He has planned but when it hurts so much it's hard to not be disappointed in the way this has turned out.  

I just read in the chapter, "this miscarriage might seem like a punishment for not wanting the baby enough, which can in turn result in feelings of guilt and regret."  This hits the head on the nail.  I feel regret and guilt.  Guilt for how I feel and how I feel like I should feel.  How I initially took the news of being pregnant.  How I complained while being pregnant.  I feel guilt for all of it.  

Today's prompt: IF you or your partner were ambivalent about this pregnancy, talk to someone about your mixed feelings today.

It's confusing.  It's painful.  It's exhausting.  It's everything.  All of it.  I wish I could for two seconds have it lifted.  But then I don't want that either, it is my pain and my feelings that I cling to.  I can't move on without her.