Day 7 of 100 Day's of Grief

"An identity would seem to be arrived at by the way in which the person faces and uses his experience."

-James Baldwin

I was supposed to do this prompt yesterday but to be honest New Years Day was a bit hard for me for all the reasons I talked about in my previous post.  I stayed busy with my husband organizing random sections of the house.  Then I was able to go to a support group for people who have experienced infant loss, miscarriage, etc.  It was really helpful and I've been thinking about it all day today.  It was also really emotionally draining.  We all had such heavy hearts but I think everyone felt comforted that as we talked we all understood each other.  

It was really refreshing to hear others express thoughts that I had that I've been scared to share with others because they sound crazy.  Thoughts like "I wish I had died with this baby."  I feel like anyone that hasn't felt this loss would think we were all suicidal.  But every person in the room understood that feeling.  We so want to be with our babies.  Our hearts yearn to be with them.  I think there is for sure a line there though that you need to recognize you're needing some professional help.  They talked about that too, recognizing when our mourning and grief turns into depression.  And they all recognized that too.  It was okay that we had gone to get help from doctors.  It wasn't because we were weak, it wasn't because we weren't capable.  It was because this burden was too much to bear without help.  

It was nice to be reassured that these feelings I was feeling were normal.  I feel like I'm a crazy person sometimes.  One moment I'm okay, the next I'm in tears, the next I'm so angry.  I know that it's not logical or rational but feelings aren't logical or rational.  I've struggled with feelings of anger and hurt towards people and I know in my head they haven't done anything wrong but I can't help but feel angry.  And those feelings are normal.  It's okay to have those feelings.  That has been very validating to me.  

Yesterday's prompt is all about developing a new self identity.  This one is hard for me to really understand.  It talks about how a big part of our self identities come from our titles like pregnant, mom, wife, etc.   It also talks about how we blame ourselves after miscarriage and we do that because our self identity is changed or affected after our loss.  

We talked a bit about this in the group as well.  How do you talk about your family when people ask how many kids or family members you have.  Do you mention their name?  I hadn't really thought about it to be honest.  If I go by living children I'm a mom to two children.  If I go by pregnancies I'm a mom to 5 kids.  But that's hard for me too because my first miscarriage I knew about it for one day and was losing it at the same time.  Does that baby count?  At what point does life matter?  When it has a heartbeat?  It's really confusing.  But I think the moment we take a pregnancy test and see those two lines or the words pregnant we are moms.  We have hopes for that child, we wanted that child.  

Yesterday's prompt was: Work on articulating how this loss is changing you.  Complete the following sentences with the words that feel right to you.  I used to be _____________. Since the miscarriage, I am ______________.  When I used think about _________________, I felt _______________.  Today when I think about _______________, I feel _______________.  

How does this loss change me?  How has my identity changed?  I think I feel like my body is broken.  I feel like God doesn't trust me to have children.  I feel like maybe I'm not capable enough to be a mom.  I feel like I'm a mom to two children but mom to five at the same time.  

I used to be able to have children.  Since the miscarriage, I am empty and unable to have children.  When I used to think about pregnancy, I felt joy and excitement.  Today when I think about pregnancy, I feel sadness and fear.  

I'm not sure I still understand what my new identity is going to be.  I hope that as some point I can come out of this feeling like I am capable and a great mom but right now I don't understand why I keep losing my babies and for that reason I feel like a failure.  I feel like my body is broken.  It hates being pregnant and it kills my babies.