Day 32 of 100 Days of Grief

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things."

-Rober Brault

It's been really hard to try not to compare my grief to others.  I'm not sure why we do it but we always look at others and try to down play our feelings.  I'm not sure why we as humans do that but it's really destructive to our healing.  At least I think so.  But it's been interesting because every story I hear, I think "wow, theirs is way harder," and then I feel terrible that I'm writing or even that I'm complaining about what I've gone through.  

But I know in my mind that you really can't compare grief or loss.  In my support group that is one of the first things they talked about was that you shouldn't compare your grief to others.  Loss is loss no matter when or how it happened.  I've known people that have had their babies and lost them hours later.  I've known people who have lost babies later in their pregnancies and had to experience labor and at the end not have those cries that tell you your baby is okay.   I've had friends lose their babies at all stages and it's hard not to think that mine is insignificant because of how early I lost them.  

It's something I keep struggling with, comparing myself to them.  I always come out of it feeling bad about myself.  I'm just not sure how to stop it.  I can tell myself a million times that loss is loss but it doesn't seem to matter.  

Overall today has been a pretty good day.  It's been emotional.  As I've though about my Hope today I've felt the pain of her absence but I've also been given a lot of peace.  I was reminded today that I needed to keep that eternal perspective and it helped today.  It's helped to think that she has a purpose and a mission to complete where she is right now and at some point I will be able to see all the good she has done and look at her with mother's pride.  I'm just a little sad that I don't get to have her here with me.  

Tonight's post is about taking your days one at a time.  I remember there was a time where I didn't think I could make through one minute.  Everything hurt.  Everything.  My emotional pain felt like physical pain.  It was dark and hopeless.  And I didn't think I could make it through.  But I did.  I made it through and now each breath doesn't hurt.  Each day the grief gets a little less intense.  And the funny thing is there are times where I could feel more just to remind myself that it was all real.  

Tonights blog is going to be short.  I'm still struggling sleeping at nights.  Which is a bit confusing to me.  I feel like overall I'm doing really well during the days.  I definitely have moments where I'm so sad and heartbroken but they don't last long and most of the times I feel pretty peaceful.  But at night my body isn't peaceful.  I've been waking up with my legs aching.  I think it's because I tense them at night.  That and Nick says I thrash around a lot at night and talk in my sleep.  It makes me wonder if I'm really working through and healing.  If I was wouldn't I be able to let things go in my sleep?  Or am I just bottling them up?  I'm not really sure but I really need some sleep.

I apologize for tonight's post.  It is so all over the place but I guess that's part of mourning and grief too.  I'm exhausted.  I'm foggy and most of my thoughts are jumbled.  It's been getting better but this week has felt like a bit of a step back.  The brain fog is the worst.  I have had to literally write down each step of the day so I know what to do.  

Tonight's actual post is this:  It is important to reestablish structure in your days when you feel ready.  Make a checklist of what you need to do and then prioritize what needs to be done.  Check off what you complete.  Try immersing yourself and be present in each activity, even if it's only for a few minutes.  Use your breath to anchor you into the present moment throughout the day.  

I remember how hard I struggled to try and add structure back into my days.  But I think it was because I was trying to force it.  I wanted structure so I could avoid.  Then as I let go and felt everything then it became less of a struggle.  Adding things back in just felt natural.  Doing my checklist helped immensely.  I still rely on it now because that structure helps ground me.  It hold me there when the pain and the emotions come whipping through my body.