Day 21 of 100 Days of Grief

"Tears have a wisdom all their own.  They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go and to work through his sorrow.  They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system.  Here lies the road to recovery."

-F. Alexander Magoun

I think tonight I'm going to jump right into what this chapter is about because it relates to how today went.  The heading is "cry".  Today I woke up feeling that heaviness still.  It seems like since last Thursday the heaviness gets heavier every day.  I'm not sure what happened that day but I feel like a cloud just surrounds me.  I tried everything to get rid of it.  Again I went through the things, exercise, eat well, sleep, serve others, write what you're grateful for.  I added to the list, take medicine.  That was the key missing piece last time but now I have it and I still feel this dark cloud around me.

I woke up this morning exhausted.  Sleep hasn't come easily for me lately.  Let's be honest.  The last time I got a good nights sleep was before all this.  I've had doctors tell me to take sleep aides but I don't like how they make me feel and most times I wake up more tired than without it.  I feel like either I can't sleep or if I do get exhausted enough to sleep I dream of babies and miscarriages.  I wake up even more sad and heartbroken than before.  

Last night was one of the nights I dreamed of babies and miscarriages.  I woke up to the alarm and laid there in the bed.  I didn't want to move.  I knew I had to get up to get Henry to school but it seemed like more than I could do today.  Eventually I willed myself to get up and took Henry to school.  My morning was all messed up, I have an order of what happens every morning and something had just messed it up.  Hannah was doing her upstart before I had a chance to eat and that time is usually my time to study and pray.  It was all just wrong.  Everything was off.  Hannah did her upstart and I got a little bit of time in to study and then I fought with her about what to wear and how to do her hair.  Finally I got her out the door and to her preschool.  

When I got back I looked at my to do list.  There were things on there that usually should have gotten done when Hannah was home but I figured there was nothing I could do about it and just to get going on the list.  I started laundry, did the dishes from breakfast, got dressed, and started sweeping.  Today I needed to mop to so I went to get the mop and supplies.

I need to add here that as I've been trying to find peace with God I've been trying to pray more earnestly.  I never really sit and pray.  Most days I pray through out the day in my mind.   But for this month I made a goal to sit and pray and ponder about what I'm saying.  Really try to have an uninterrupted prayer which is hard when you're moving around during the day.    

Anyway, I went to get the mopping supplies and in my mind I thought, "you need to go pray".  I started to say, "I'll do it after I mop and then I can check off something else."  But it came again.  "You need to pray."  I dropped my supplies and went to my room.  Nick was working but I really didn't want to get interrupted so I shut the door.  I feel like whenever I try to pray I get interrupted.  From kids, Nick, my phone it seems inevitable.  Today I left my phone out of the room and I went and kneeled by my bed.  I started my prayer trying to focus on all the things I was thankful for.  I kept thinking if I can just keep saying all the things I'm thankful then it will fix my mind and the darkness there.

Three or four minutes into it as I tried to list off all the things I was thankful for the tears came.  The heart wrenching sobs erupted from my soul.  I cried and cried and cried.  I fought against them at first trying to finish my prayer but eventually my sobs turned heavenward.  I told God how tired and sad I was.  I told him that I was tired of the darkness and needed help.  Everything came out.

After my prayer I felt so much lighter.  I'm not sure if it was from the prayer or the release of emotion but it was like that heavy weight had been lifted slightly.  I got up and finished my mopping.  The feeling stayed while I mopped but as the day has gone on I feel the clouds coming back.  Right now it feels like the darkness is all around me again.  

In my book it says that crying is healing and to release them at any time.  I find that hard.  I'm not sure if it's because I'm so used to holding in the emotion that when I do start to cry I usually stop within a minute or so.  I feel embarrassed to cry around other people and want to be alone when I do cry.  But it's not like I can cry on demand.  I can't say, "alright for this 15 minutes I'm going to cry and release emotion."  Most times it comes when I'm not expecting it and I can't control it.  Like at church on Sunday.  I couldn't keep the tears in and so I just hoped no one would notice the tears streaming down my face.  

I think I feel like I'm doing better because I'm able to do all the things on my to-do list.  But I feel like I was doing better before.  I was okay with being compassionate towards myself.  I gave myself time to do things that I enjoyed. Now those things feel like a bit like a chore because I have to do them because they are on the list.  But I want to feel better and I'm trying so hard to do so.  It just doesn't seem possible to do what I need at the moment I need it because I have a family relying on me.  I have things that need to get done and if I do what is best for me at the time then that means Henry doesn't get to school, or the house is a wreck.  Or the kids don't get fed.  I just am not sure how do what I need to feel okay while still trying to be mom, wife and teacher.  

At the end of the night I feel exhausted and tired and I feel like I'm still grasping for something that will make me feel better.  I tell myself that tomorrow will be better but it hasn't been lately.  I tell myself that things get better but its hard because each day has only felt worse.  And I feel bad because I have so many people that are trying to help and uplift me but I feel ungrateful because it still feels heavy.  And I feel like this blog all everyone hears is me whine.  I don't mean to be ungrateful and whiny.  I just don't know how to get better.