Day 18 of 100 Days of Grief

"When it's dark enough, you can see the stars."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's Sunday.  Need I say more.  Actually last week wasn't so hard.  I thought that maybe I was learning how to cope but apparently not.  I couldn't seem to keep my emotions in check today.  I'm all about feeling the emotions but it's hard when it's in a public place.  Today I just tried to quietly cry to let out some of the emotion but in the middle of the sacrament Hannah said "Why are you crying mom?" Right at the quietest point.  So much for crying in discreet.

In only got harder from there.  I couldn't stop crying.  I tried to avoid people but it was impossible.  I tried sitting alone in the back but someone sat by me.  I tried to not look at people in the halls but people stopped me.  Each time they asked how I was doing and the tears would just stream.  I couldn't even talk.  It was humiliating.  I know everyone was being kind and were so genuine in their love and concern but I didn't want to broadcast to everyone that I'm STILL not okay.  

After church Nick had an interview with the bishop and we were going to wait but the longer I stood there the more antsy I became.  I just wasn't okay and I wanted to be away from people.  I ended up taking the kids and walking home.  When I got home I fixed the kids lunch and went and laid on the bed.  I fell asleep but it was very restless and I woke up not feeling much better.

Anyway, I'm rambling but let's just say today didn't go the way I wanted it to.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.  

Today's prompt heading says "If you've had infertility problems, know that this will complicate your grief".  Consider it complicated.  This pregnancy felt so complicated.  I had finally become okay with the idea of having two kids.  Nick and I weren't supposed to be able to get pregnant without help and it was going to cost $800 each time we tried and it wasn't a for sure thing.  It wasn't as expensive as IVF but we didn't have $800 hanging around each month.  

I took the pregnancy test thinking, "I'm not pregnant" because I'd taken so many pregnancy tests before just to be disappointed.  Surely I wouldn't be pregnant this time.  I peed on a stick and actually left the test sitting in the window seal and started doing other things.  I came back maybe a half hour later and stared at the test.  Pregnant.  My brain couldn't comprehend it.  And then the fear came.  I didn't want to lose another baby.  

I took the test to Nick and handed it to him.  He looked at it and said "umm, what?"  We both laid on the bed trying to grasp what it meant.  The fear was terrifying to me.  And I tried to tell myself not to get my hopes up.  But I was already sick.  This was a good sign right?

As the days went on I was thinking about all the things a new baby would mean.  The lack of sleep, nursing, all the things I looked forward to before but now I was so scared that I had forgotten how to do those things.  It feels like forever since I was in the baby stage.  I was scared and kind of frustrated because I had just accepted the fact that I wouldn't do all those things again.  It was kind of a roller coaster of emotions.  

And then I was pregnant. And sick. And I stopped worrying.  I was sick so I was safe.  I was looking forward to all those things and I just needed to get past the hard part of the pregnancy so I could get to the good part.  Feeling her kick.  Hearing her heartbeat.  Hearing her first cries.  But then it came to a crashing halt.   I still can't understand it.  What was the purpose of it all?  Why did I need to go through it all when I had finally found peace in not having another child and now I have to work my way back there again?  

I received the answer of why she didn't get to stay with us but what was the purpose of all of it?  I hate the answer that it will make you a stronger person.  I hate it.  I hate it when people tell me that.  I had just found peace.  And it was ripped away.

Today's prompt:  Look into infertility support groups or grief counseling today.

I found that support group for women who have experienced loss through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death.  Almost every person that spoke had issues with infertility.  It seems that those things go hand in hand.  I'm going to continue going to that support group because I need it honestly.  I need that time to sit with ladies that understand deeply what it feels like.  I just wish it were more frequent.  It's once a month but I find myself one week later wishing I didn't have to wait 3 more weeks.