Day 4 of 100 Days of Grief

"Seeing is always an act of courage."

-Marty Rubin

Today is Sunday.  Sunday's are always hard.  This Sunday after church I peeked in my book to see what I was going to write about.  The first words I read were, "Your developing baby has died."  I closed the book and curled up on my bed and laid there for a few hours.  My husband came and laid with me but it's taken me a few hours after getting out of bed to actually want to come and do this.  Especially with those as the first words.  

Before I get into my prompt I want to kind of explain why Sundays are hard for me right now.  I've always kind of envied those people that when they go through trials their first instinct is to turn to God.  I feel like I've been getting better at that but this time it's been hard for me.  With my second miscarriage I feel like I really did that.  I tried to lean on my Savior and I think it was an easier experience for me than the first.  I remember telling people that there was a huge difference between going through things with God and going through them alone.  I still believe that but this third one has me tripping all over myself.  

I have to say that I do know there is a God and I know that I have a Savior that loves me and wants to help.  When I first had this miscarriage I spent some time in the scriptures and I remember finding a story in the New Testament.  It is in John 11:32.  In this story Mary and Martha's brother Lazarus had just died and Jesus didn't come to them until it was too late.  I think Martha said "if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died."  My favorite part though is interaction between Mary and Jesus.  It says: "32: Then when Mary was come where Jesus was and saw him, she fell down at his feet, saying unto him, Lord, if thou hadst been here , my brother had not died.  33: When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled, 34: And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord, come and see.  35: Jesus wept. 36: Then said the Jew, Behold how he loved him!"  

I remember after reading this being struck by verse 35.  Jesus wept.  I tried to remember in what other instance I could remember that Jesus ever wept.  I actually looked it up and there is nowhere else in the New Testament that it shows Jesus weeping.  The only other place I found it was in the Book of Mormon where He brought the children to him and blessed them and He wept.  Of all the times and things He saw and went through there were two times that were recorded where He wept.  The first was because He was with Mary and it was because He could see her heartache and He wept because of it.  The second He wept when He was with children.  

The other thing that I really liked about that scripture was that Jesus wept even when He knew the grand scheme of everything.  He understood the plan more than anyone else and He still wept.  I think in our minds we sometimes think of Christ and God as stoic beings without emotion.  I think I did.  It helped me to think that even if I had full knowledge of the plan of salvation it was okay to weep and grieve and be upset that I had lost my baby.  I can still believe that I will get to see her but I am heartbroken that she is not with me.  I don't have to pretend that I'm happy because I know I'll see her again.  I'm okay to weep and struggle with this.  

The last thing I thought about with this scripture was the last verse where it says, "Then said the Jew, Behold how he loved him!"  I kept thinking in my mind, I don't think He was weeping because of Lazarus.  I think He was weeping because of the pain Mary was having.  I think He was mourning with her.  He loved her and "he groaned in the spirit" with the pain she was having.  It made me feel like somewhere my Savior was "groaning in the spirit" with me.  He understood the pain I was feeling and He was weeping with me.  I think these scriptures have given me the most comfort during this time.

Having said that, I am still struggling.  It's hard not to ask why.  It's hard to have the eternal perspective when you so desperately want something that you feel like God told you to do.  It's hard to understand and not be angry.  It's hard to understand why you have to go through this.  It just doesn't make sense in my head why I felt the promptings to continue having children but my babies keep dying.  Why would I get those promptings?  Why was I told to have hope when I was just going to lose another baby?  It's hard to make sense of all these questions.  Like I said sometimes I wish I could just be one of those people that always trust in the Lord and didn't ask why.  

That and it's hard because I feel like my only communication right now with God is my pleas of "why?!" It's not even angry, it's full of anguish and pain and hurt.  Why must I go through this again.  And I don't receive answers.  It's like the heavens are closed.  And that is painful.  

Todays prompt is: Tell someone about your miscarriage

I'm going to be honest today and say that today I can't write about that.  I don't have it in me.  I'm worn down and heavy today and writing about it will send me down that hole again.  Maybe in another prompt I can talk about it.  I've already told you a lot about it.  I'm sure on a different day that isn't Sunday I may be able to write about it.  But today I can't.

Today I don't "have the courage to see".  Maybe tomorrow I can.